Trial Separations -Risky business

Couples experiencing difficulties in their relationships often embark on a temporary separation to provide relief from the stress of conflict. There may be occasions when parties living in separate accommodation for a short time proves useful. But couples too often agree to the separation without little idea of the inherent angers such separations the relationship.


As I see it, trial separations expose the relationship to a number of risks:


- if you avoid relationship strain by moving away from it, you leave with the memory of the relationship as unendurable. It may be hard to consider going back. Relationships with children also change for both parties.

- a new status quo is established. The will require considerable energy and effort to overturn and may have future legal implications.

- separation returns us to the relative ease of single life (even if there are children): no longer must we negotiate, compromise and factor in others’ day-to-day decisions.

- no one likes change; if you’ve made one difficult change already, what makes another (getting back together) attractive. Much of life is about enduring anxiety, discomfort, even pain. These are often challenging but passing aspects of a process from which individuals can emerge with greater awareness of self and others.

Most of all, we need to be clear. In the phrase itself, it is the separation that is being trialled, a “test drive” of singleness, if you like. If so, this represents a turning of the couple outward and away, rather than in toward each other in search of a solution.

Relationships are demanding at their best: so if we trial the single life having "temporarily" moving out of a relationship which causes us disquiet and distress and enjoy the relief, how keen might we be to return and face the hard work of mending the relationship.

Too often in my practice, men leave when women ask them because it is the “gentlemanly” thing to do. But where there is no violence, no abuse or intimidation, leaving can be fatal to the relationship and have legal implications if the separation runs to divorce.

If our relationships are important to us, we need to put in the hard work, seek help and only
when all efforts are exhausted, then perhaps separate as a resolution, not as a trial.


Author's cautionary note: This article sets out to challenge a popular notion. The opinions expressed should not be taken as advice for particular individuals or couples. I would be happy to explore this issue with individuals or couples who are considering a trial separation.

"Talking Makes a Great Start"
John Hunter, Medicare Provider of Counselling, Melbourne and Burwood East.
Mobile: 0405 107 476, Landline (03) 9539 2200, email: john@johnhunter.net.au
Web: http://www.johnhunter.net.au/